That moment when I walked out of the hospital leaving my infant daughter to be placed for adoption was a moment ‘frozen in time’. Unacknowledged and unreconciled grief had wrapped itself around my heart. Several years would pass before this seemingly dormant grief would surface with depression-like symptoms. Healing began with sharing my story in a nurturing environment. Over time I reached out, offering healing workshops to other ‘first nurturing mothers’ who were experiencing similar grief.

In writing this article, I am affirming that there is a healing power in telling our stories. I am also affirming my belief that within each of us exists the capacity to influence healing by choosing to create a safe space honoring those stories.

We share our story with a stranger unintentionally under unexpected situations, and walk away feeling lighter. We participate in a group circle exposing our vulnerability, and are moved by the non-judging and compassion shown. A concerned friend phones, senses our sadness and listens in a heartfelt manner, leaving us feeling acknowledged and supported.

Each time we tell our story, another layer of the onion peels away and we soften. We begin slowly, allowing ourselves to acknowledge, to embrace and eventually to release our pain. As the impact of this pain lessens, space opens for reflection and movement towards further healing.

Sometimes we sense, or have been told, that there is something happening in the life of a close friend, acquaintance or family member. This something might come in the guise of a recent loss, traumatic event, a life changing illness or a difficult situation.

These are times when we would genuinely like to help but may feel uncomfortable or unsure of just how to do this. There are times too, when in our eagerness to help, we unintentionally invade the person’s space, causing them to withdraw. Ouch! Our ego may have also have been bruised, causing us to step back!

A wise friend once remarked, “Stay along the edge of the dance floor until you are invited into the dance.” Through experience, I would add “it would be wise to learn how to dance!”

Meister Eckhart, a 12th century mystic, once counseled, “if you want to be comforted, comfort those more in need of comfort than yourself”. This insight opens pathways for compassion and connection, and offers perspective-shifting.

I think it was Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh who said that “the greatest gift we can give to another is the gift of our presence”. What does this gift look like and what personal qualities can we nurture within to really give the gift of presence?

I have had the opportunity to study with Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of The Center For Loss and Life Transitions, located in Fort Collins, Colorado. He is recognized worldwide for his life’s work in the areas of loss and grief. Dr. Wolfelt embraces the concept of ‘companioning’ which he describes as “being totally present to the mourner creating a fellowship of hospitality”.

Hospitality is “the creation of sacred space where the stranger can enter and become friend”. Dr. Wolfelt stresses, “It is not about trying to change people but offering them space where change can take place. The central role of the companion to a mourner is related to the art of honoring stories.” Honoring stories requires us to slow down and listen with our hearts.

I believe the concept of ‘companioning’ offers a way of teaching us “how to dance” as we try giving the gift of our presence to another. The personal qualities we can nurture within to help us do this are those same qualities Dr. Wolfelt refers to as being essential qualities for ‘companioning’. They are “empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, warmth, genuineness, trust, immediacy, humility, patience, hope and heart.”

What might the ripple effects be if we chose to become pilgrims in ‘companioning’ and begin honoring one another’s stories. I leave you to ponder this question and close with a poem that surfaced following a morning meditation.

we are reflected
in what we say
or leave unsaid
in what we do
or leave undone
all fractals
of who we are

Namaste

Jule Briese

Jule Briese is a retired educator who was also trained as a BCTF facilitator. She has a BA in Psychology and holds a Certificate in Conflict Resolution and Negotiation from The Justice Institute, as well as a Certificate in Grief and Loss Studies. Jule offers Personal Insight Workshops in the areas of Communicating from the Heart, Returning Balance to Our Lives and Exploring Our Ability to Heal Grief and Loss. Recently she has turned her attention to poetry and freelance writing while continuing to pursue her studies in energy healing.

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