“The machine of a dream, such a clean machine”. Those are the opening lyrics to I’m in Love with My Car, by Queen, way back in 1975. Man, I love that song.

I was pondering the topic of my next prose when, just like magic, it presented itself! I had pulled into Ladysmith’s Sharecare to load up on feed. A large shiny red truck was parked beside me & the fellow was just getting into the cockpit. All of a sudden the engine grunted a loud ‘RUNRUN’ and with screeching tires he backed up onto the road, then sped all of 12 meters to the round red thingy that says STOP in big bold letters… for a nanosecond, then peeled out onto the main drag like, as me dear ol’ mom would say, a bat out of hell. Bingo.

Okay, I try to be nice, really I do. But everybody deserves a wee rant once in a while. How about once a year. So here it is then. I’ve been bottling this up for a loooong time; let’s say off and on for about 45 years. It’s a hit list, of all the irritating, stupid, silly, inconsiderate, crazy … you get the idea but allow me one more … ignorant actions that I’ve witnessed, some repeatedly, for what feels like forever. Incredibly the list continues to get longer.

Unlike most teens of my time, I didn’t eagerly await my 16^th birthday so I could get behind the wheel of my dad’s car. I waited until I was 24, practiced driving across Canada and got my licence in Nanaimo. But I digress. Back to the List. Well not quite yet. Let’s set the stage.

The mind of some drivers. If you’re about my age you might remember the Walt Disney 1950 short with Goofy (episode 21 if you want to check it out). It’s called Motor Mania. I just looked it up again, to see if perhaps my aging memory was fading. Nope. So Goofy is this pleasant mild-mannered guy…until he gets into his car and starts it up. He transforms into one devilishly crazy character. I remember as a kid just laughing hysterically at this cartoon but sadly methinks truth is stranger than fiction here. They were onto something back then.

Okay let’s get to it. My top 10. Many discretions are based on speed (or lack thereof).

1. 1. My all-time favourite peeve: doing 5 cents in the $20 lane. People, that left lane is called a PASSING lane for a reason. It’s not called the MY lane, or I’m going to turn left in 10 km so I want to get prepared lane.

1. 1. Slow #1. Like even slower than the speed limit. I was always taught the 5-car rule: if you’re looking periodically in your rear-view mirror (which you’re supposed to) and you see 5 cars behind you, when it’s safe pull over and let them pass. You are not the traffic police, the speed monitor. Just let them pass.

1. 1. Speed #1. Your lead-foot drivers with their ‘go faster’ car language. This is a popular one. So I’m going faster than the speed limit but Goofy behind me doesn’t think it’s fast enough. You know, he has places to go, things to do, and why am I in the way? So he talks to me with his vehicle. He says I’m right behind you. I mean Right behind you…tailgating to hustle me on, then a couple of horn honks, then the high beams. Sure wish I had a hidden set of high beams mounted on my bumper. Now’s the perfect time to turn them on.

1. 1. Speed #2. In BC they have these great caution lights that start flashing to let you know that the traffic lights ahead are about to turn red. So slow down. What? In your dreams! Don’t they mean that this is the time to gun it, so you can zoom through those lights as they turn red?

1. 1. Etiquette #1. Merge manners. When 2 lanes merge into one the idea is to take turns, in a nice orderly friendly Canadian fashion. This is not a challenge to muscle your way in front of me, especially when your reward is being one whole car-length ahead. Sheesh!

1. 1. Etiquette #2. I’m the only vehicle on the long straight road. But I must be ever-vigilant. Because there’s the Goof, entering from a side road, and there’s just no way that they can wait till I pass. They simply must pull out now. Break time for me. Sure hope the roads aren’t slippery.

1. 1. Etiquette #3. There’s this little stick thing mounted on the steering column. It goes by several names: a blinker, a turn signal lever, a turn signal arm, a turn signal switch. You use it when you want to go left or right so other drivers know what to expect. Mom was notorious for ignoring this devise. When reminded she would say, “they see me slowing down”.

1. 1. Country Driving 101. Around here there aren’t just cars, trucks, and SUVs that share the road. We have tractors of all shapes and sizes. My advise: relax, enjoy the scenery, remember you’re in farm country.

1. New Age probs. Question – do you really think you can text and operate a vehicle at the same time? Well you can’t. And don’t think you’re clever in your sneakiness. You aren’t. Same deal if you’re a pedestrian. You can not stay alert to negotiate car traffic with crosswalk lights AND text at the same time. Nope.

Whew. Well I gotta say I feel a whole lot better already. That rant was quite cathartic. Hey maybe it can work for you too? Is there a letters-to-the-editor section in this illustrious publication? Wanna unload?

Jackie Moad continues to farm that 20-acre organic slice of Paradise in Cedar, while occasionally and cautiously getting behind the wheel of her Westie, ever looking forward, with local solutions for global challenges in mind.

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