The Christmas season is not my favourite time of the year – all the frantic hustle and bustle. And yet, underneath all the parties, shopping, baking and decorating, there is relief for many that ‘I am not alone’. Christmas is a lonely time for many people because there is such an emphasis on family, and the busyness is a great cover for that loneliness. Those who are not with family often feel left out and depressed. But for those who do have family, it can sometimes be even worse.

When I was a kid, I remember the excitement of ‘the big day’ and the anticipation of the turkey dinner with the crackers and the funny paper hats. And yet, the reality of it was often a huge let-down when my father showed up. He really knew how to ruin an event. He was often demanding, demeaning, self-centred and downright rude. As I got older, I avoided Christmas at home because I knew I would be triggered by my father’s behaviour.

Why is it that family is so difficult, and especially at Christmas?

First of all, Christmas is so hyped. Sometimes the decorations in the stores are out before Hallowe’en is even over. If you watch TV, the ads are full of heartstring-tugging kids, and Facebook serves up video after video of good Christmas deeds. The lights go up on the neighbours’ houses and everyone is talking Christmas baking. It’s everywhere. You can’t escape.

Secondly, Christmas is the time when you pull out all the stops, put the good china on the table and make your best gravy recipe. It is the time of the year when you are supposed to be generous, and when the family comes together in ‘joy and peace’. So, why is it often a painful experience?

To answer this question, it might be good to analyze this business of ‘being triggered.‘ A ‘trigger’ is an ‘event’ which causes an instant reaction: resentment, anger, fear, guilt – all those feelings which you ‘shouldn’t feel’ and especially at Christmas. Christmas is, after all, a time of ‘joy and peace’. And yet, there is that familiar welling up of resentment that your mother is again telling you how your mashed potatoes are supposed to be ‘creamy’ and not have big lumps in them. But you remind yourself it’s Christmas and push down the impulse to throw a lumpy mass at her and tell her to do them herself then. You’ve had this same argument a hundred times over the way you play the piano, do your nails, or cut the cake. You can never do anything right.

Whatever the issue is this time is the ‘trigger’ but the reason you feel resentful, in reality, has nothing to do with the ‘trigger’. Your mother’s words would not have an effect on you whatsoever if you did not have a ‘wound’ about not being successful. If instead, she had said, “You only have one leg,” you would have shaken your head and carried on. ‘What?’ would be your reaction. No resentment, no anger. Just a bit of confusion. Why? You know this statement to be absurd. It isn’t true. Therefore it doesn’t strike a chord.

However, when she calls you out for lumpy mashed potatoes, if you examine your thoughts, I would bet they would go something like this: ‘Oh for God’s sake. Not again. I can never do anything right. Why can’t she just shut up about the bloody potatoes.’ The clue is the third sentence, “I can never do anything right.” If there isn’t a part of you that believes you can’t get things right, or you aren’t good enough, this situation would not trigger you. In other words, there is a negative belief about self and, in reality, this situation is coming up in order for you to examine and heal this negative belief.

Compounding the ‘trigger’ that we experience is the immediate guilt that follows it. ‘OMG. Here I am at Christmas getting mad at my mother again. I am a terrible person. I can’t hold it together even for a few hours over Christmas dinner.’ And then you have to stuff that too, and go back to pretending ‘everything is just fine’.

First of all, know that our family of origin is the most difficult gig there is. All of our triggers, and all our wounds, came from growing up around this group of people. The strongest triggers will be found there. Cut yourself some slack. It is going to happen. Be compassionate with yourself. Look at the amazing courage you have going into the ‘war zone’ at the most stressful time of the year and be kind to yourself. Right in the middle of everything.

Stop with the charades and decide to become brutally honest, at least with yourself. This part of you that feels resentful is your human self. It is your ‘shadow’. Acknowledge that you have a wound. It hurts when your mother criticizes your mashed potatoes because you feel that you are a failure. It hurts. Acknowledge the hurt instead of reaching for the anger that covers it over. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. And allow yourself to comfort that part of you that feels like you can’t do anything right and never could do anything right. Soothe yourself. No one else can do that for you.

Try this little exercise: put your hands on your upper arms so your left hand is on your right arm and vice versa. Then gently tap your upper arms alternately: left, right, left, right. As you tap, say to yourself, “Even though I feel _______________, I wholly and completely love and accept myself”. In this case, the blank would be filled in with angry, sad, resentful, or guilty depending on where in the cycle you are. Keep tapping and repeat the sentence a number of times, until the intensity of the feeling subsides. It also works to tap your thighs.

It is the acceptance of even our ‘human, negative side’, our ‘shadow’ – that gives us the power to rise above. It is a simple act, and probably one of the most difficult. Psychologist Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” By becoming aware of the dark. Bring that awareness into consciousness instead of trying to pretend all is ‘love and light’. You can’t superimpose light onto the darkness by an act of will. You turn the light on and the darkness vanishes. The light is love for self, acceptance of self – warts and all.

When we don’t take care of the triggers, and try to repress emotions, what results is often an explosion of emotion from the shadow side. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, author of “Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype”, had this to say about the shadow side and its power: “Explosive psychological ‘sneaking’ occurs when a woman suppresses large parts of self into the shadows of the psyche. In the view of analytical psychology, the repression of both negative and positive instincts, urges, and feelings into the unconscious causes them to inhabit a shadow realm. While the ego and superego attempt to continue to censor the shadow impulses, the very pressure that repression causes is rather like a bubble in the sidewall of a tire. Eventually, as the tire revolves and heats up, the pressure behind the bubble intensifies, causing it to explode outward, releasing all the inner content.

The shadow acts similarly. We find that by opening the door to the shadow realm a little, and letting out various elements a few at a time, relating to them, finding use for them, negotiating, we can reduce being surprised by shadow sneak attacks and unexpected explosions.”

Authenticity is acknowledging what is. The next step is sharing that authenticity. And accepting that authenticity is a place where you can connect. Really connect. Heart to heart and core to core. You give those around you permission to be human and real too. You cannot connect at the level of guilt and pretending not to be triggered. And isn’t that really what Christmas is all about? Connecting. Compassion and acceptance for self and other.

Have a wonderful real and authentic Christmas this year, regardless of what occurs.

Alison Etter MEd, RPC, RTC
Counsellor and Healer, Breakthrough Counselling and Coaching
250-324-3040
Website
Email Alison

See all articles by Alison Etter